this is our last goodbye...

After spending 48 sleepless hours at Baghdad International Airport, I finally found myself walking towards a plane...a home bound plane.

Although a sand storm had tried to keep me in Iraq, it was time for me to go. The emotions encompassing my mind as I walked towards the plane were a mixed up, grab bag of chaos and clarity. Knowing that I would be home in a few days was too much for me to comprehend, so I pushed that thought to the back of my brain. I also felt as though I was leaving things undone, as if I had not done enough and needed to stay to see things through. These people still needed me, right?

The Air Force Sergeant led us in a single file towards the cargo bay door of a C-130. I quietly found myself looking around in awe...watching a pillar of smoke rise in the distance, smelling the scent of burning trash, feeling the grit of sand on my skin. It seemed like it was just yesterday when I was getting off of a plane and watching, smelling, and feeling all of these things for the first time. Perhaps, this time will be my last.

The closer I got to the plane the more I felt as though I was actually going to be leaving. The more I believed I was actually going to be leaving the happier I became. Yet, my happiness was shattered when I set foot on the plane. Laying before me was a comrade, Fallen and wrapped in the warmth of Our Flag, he was making his final journey home. A journey bringing him home, but never bringing him back.

Silent tears escaped my eyes.

Knowing how much my family went through on this deployment, I cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like for this Soldiers family. I immediately felt guilty. Here I was, going home unscathed and whole, while others never return.

I couldn't shake this image, these thoughts. What is it all for? Did this Soldier believe in what he was doing over there? Was he at peace with himself when he left this world?

There are rumors that some soldiers know, or feel, that they are going to die days or weeks before it happens. Was he one of them? Jeff Buckley immediately came to mind.

Jeff Buckley was a singer songwriter who died after writing songs foreshadowing his death. His most notable song is aptly named "Last Goodbye", where he croons and wails about love, and how he came to terms with its death...with his death.

I wanted to know that the soldier laying before me was able to come to terms with his death, with his life. I know that I will never know the answer to those questions. They are not answers for my ears to hear, but only for his heart to know.

May God bless him and welcome him home, as my family has welcomed me.

This is not the end of my story, but rather the beginning.

There are many stories still in need of telling.

Only time will tell if I will do them justice...